Another Thought

No words can describe how much I miss my old life. I feel a longing to go back to Virginia just like I long to go home. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I miss it so much. It’s true that my friends out there were always busy and I spent some weekends and birthdays alone but I still miss it. I’m not saying I hate my life here I love the girls here but it’s just not the same. It’s just that I am different than the girls I got to know here. We don’t think the same way, we don’t listen to the same music, we don’t watch the same TV shows and we don’t like the same activities. 

I can’t even describe how much I miss speaking English with my friends. It’s just like I’m back in Saudi or scratch that I think I speak more English back home at least with my cousins and family. My friends here their English is not so good and I feel so stuck with them that I don’t know how to be friends with Americans. I miss going hiking and doing outside activities. I miss volunteering for events, meeting new people and just getting that rush of doing something new.  The girls here just want to stay home and gossip and I just can’t do that I like to go out have fun I can’t just sit. Some days I have to beg them just to go out with me for lunch or dinner in a restaurant and I hate that I hate begging. And then I decided that I won’t beg anymore I don’t want people to go out with me because they feel bad for me I want them to actually want to go. 

The problem in Virginia was that my friends actually wanted to go out with me and do the stuff we had in common but we just didn't have the time to do it. And here we have all the free time in the world but people are just too lazy to get off their butts and actually do something. I’m so sick of hearing them saying aren't you afraid to do this and that alone? Aren't you afraid of living alone?  How could you go out alone or do that alone? I just wanna scream and tell them there is nothing to be scared of. Grow a freakin spine and just stop living in fear. The girls don’t know how to depend on their selves and I don’t understand why it’s just like they are back in Saudi. I know that this post has been mostly complaining but I just need to get it out there. There is no one that I can talk to about these stuff. And you know what is more irritating when people go like if I didn't wear 7ijab like you I would wear shorts and revealing clothes. Well, I am not mit7jba but that doesn't mean I have to dress in that way. Everyone is entitled to do whatever they want to do.

Poll (2)

Well I'm kind of stuck so I thought I might ask you guys what you think. So, do you guys think I should continue writing the story or start a new one or should I just keep posting these random stuff? Please tell me your thoughts I would really appreciate it :)

A thought

I wrote this a while ago but didn't find the right time to post it. It's kind of personal but I have to share with someone.

It's sad how one moment can change your life. One minute you are all happy and just living your life when a phone rings and change everything and all you want is for things to go back to normal. It started like every other Tuesday. I woke up early to go to class, I was very happy because my brother just announced his engagement. I was just talking to my cousin about how wonderful it is and how excited I was. I just ended the call and was getting ready to go to class when my cousin called again. I couldn’t understand if she was laughing or crying and then she told me. She told me my grandmother died. I was shocked, I couldn’t even talk it felt like my brain stopped working for a second. I couldn’t realize that she is GONE. The last time I saw her was back in August before I came back to the US. Every day I spent in America I missed her and now I have to live with the fact that I will never see her again. Every time I called her she would ask me: When are you coming back to Saudi? And I would tell her in the summer and she would say it was really far away. Back then I didn’t really know how long it was really going to be? My mind is still processing, it’s been so long since I last saw her and I just can’t believe she is not there anymore. I feel like if I pick up the phone and just call her, she would answer the phone and ask me when am I coming back? My cousins who are here with me make me make me feel like I don’t care as much as they do but, I just don’t like to grieve loudly in public. They don’t understand that everyone grieves in their own way. I try to keep myself busy and act strong in front of people. But, it hurts on the inside. I might be smiling at people but that doesn’t mean that at any moment a tear wouldn't drop. This year has been filled with so many events that I can’t even realize what happened. With so many things happening I can’t help to wonder what else is this year holding for us. I’m hoping for more happy news I don’t think I can handle anymore sad news.