Hello there...

I have thinking for a while about getting back to this then a few days ago I read a quote that made me consider posting again it goes as follow:
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self" Cyril Connoly.
So, I am going to write again even if no one reads this. Unfortunately I am not going to complete the story. I am just going to be posting random thoughts.
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Sometimes a crush is just a crush. You see someone and you just feel drawn to them. You may ask about them, figure out their name and maybe you will be curious enough to figure out where they live. You will even look them up on the internet to find out whatever information you can find out about them. (I know some of you would think that this sounds like a stalker but, attraction can let you do anything to get to your goal.) But, after all that can you really say that you know them?

How many times have you thought of just going up to them and talking to them? But, you just can't sum up the courage. What if they don't feel the same way? What if they don't even know that you exist? What if they're just not interested in any kind of relationship? Deep inside you hope they feel the same way. You hope they actually know who you are.

What some people can't comprehend in this situation is the word no. Even though you feel all these feelings it doesn't mean that your crush will just welcome you with open arms. I myself have encountered a situation where a guy wouldn't take no for an answer. I don't get how does the guy expect a girl would react to a complete stranger telling her he has feelings for her not only that you suddenly tell her that you know all these things about her and that you've been going to the library everyday just to catch a glimpse of her. 

Well for me personally I was put in this situation this summer. I have to say first I felt flattered but then it turned a bit creepy. But, the funny thing was it wasn't even me it was my brother's fiance and the person thought it was me. Until this day he does not believe that it is not me he thinks I am just creating drama which kind of pisses me off.

All I wanted to say is if you have a crush on someone don't just go and pour your heart out because if they do not know you there is no way they will just feel the same way. Be careful with your heart.

Another Thought

No words can describe how much I miss my old life. I feel a longing to go back to Virginia just like I long to go home. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I miss it so much. It’s true that my friends out there were always busy and I spent some weekends and birthdays alone but I still miss it. I’m not saying I hate my life here I love the girls here but it’s just not the same. It’s just that I am different than the girls I got to know here. We don’t think the same way, we don’t listen to the same music, we don’t watch the same TV shows and we don’t like the same activities. 

I can’t even describe how much I miss speaking English with my friends. It’s just like I’m back in Saudi or scratch that I think I speak more English back home at least with my cousins and family. My friends here their English is not so good and I feel so stuck with them that I don’t know how to be friends with Americans. I miss going hiking and doing outside activities. I miss volunteering for events, meeting new people and just getting that rush of doing something new.  The girls here just want to stay home and gossip and I just can’t do that I like to go out have fun I can’t just sit. Some days I have to beg them just to go out with me for lunch or dinner in a restaurant and I hate that I hate begging. And then I decided that I won’t beg anymore I don’t want people to go out with me because they feel bad for me I want them to actually want to go. 

The problem in Virginia was that my friends actually wanted to go out with me and do the stuff we had in common but we just didn't have the time to do it. And here we have all the free time in the world but people are just too lazy to get off their butts and actually do something. I’m so sick of hearing them saying aren't you afraid to do this and that alone? Aren't you afraid of living alone?  How could you go out alone or do that alone? I just wanna scream and tell them there is nothing to be scared of. Grow a freakin spine and just stop living in fear. The girls don’t know how to depend on their selves and I don’t understand why it’s just like they are back in Saudi. I know that this post has been mostly complaining but I just need to get it out there. There is no one that I can talk to about these stuff. And you know what is more irritating when people go like if I didn't wear 7ijab like you I would wear shorts and revealing clothes. Well, I am not mit7jba but that doesn't mean I have to dress in that way. Everyone is entitled to do whatever they want to do.

Poll (2)

Well I'm kind of stuck so I thought I might ask you guys what you think. So, do you guys think I should continue writing the story or start a new one or should I just keep posting these random stuff? Please tell me your thoughts I would really appreciate it :)

A thought

I wrote this a while ago but didn't find the right time to post it. It's kind of personal but I have to share with someone.

It's sad how one moment can change your life. One minute you are all happy and just living your life when a phone rings and change everything and all you want is for things to go back to normal. It started like every other Tuesday. I woke up early to go to class, I was very happy because my brother just announced his engagement. I was just talking to my cousin about how wonderful it is and how excited I was. I just ended the call and was getting ready to go to class when my cousin called again. I couldn’t understand if she was laughing or crying and then she told me. She told me my grandmother died. I was shocked, I couldn’t even talk it felt like my brain stopped working for a second. I couldn’t realize that she is GONE. The last time I saw her was back in August before I came back to the US. Every day I spent in America I missed her and now I have to live with the fact that I will never see her again. Every time I called her she would ask me: When are you coming back to Saudi? And I would tell her in the summer and she would say it was really far away. Back then I didn’t really know how long it was really going to be? My mind is still processing, it’s been so long since I last saw her and I just can’t believe she is not there anymore. I feel like if I pick up the phone and just call her, she would answer the phone and ask me when am I coming back? My cousins who are here with me make me make me feel like I don’t care as much as they do but, I just don’t like to grieve loudly in public. They don’t understand that everyone grieves in their own way. I try to keep myself busy and act strong in front of people. But, it hurts on the inside. I might be smiling at people but that doesn’t mean that at any moment a tear wouldn't drop. This year has been filled with so many events that I can’t even realize what happened. With so many things happening I can’t help to wonder what else is this year holding for us. I’m hoping for more happy news I don’t think I can handle anymore sad news.

Update

It's been a while since the last time I wrote and I don't know if anyone cares but here it goes. My life has been hectic. I left the university I was in and transferred somewhere else. The move was hard on me. I had to leave the place I called home for the past two and a half years. It was especially tough because I was all alone and I had to leave my friends. Well the place I moved to is interesting and different than what I'm used too. People are nicer, the university is easier, I have family around and the only problem is there are a lot of Arabs around or should I say Saudis. It feels nice to have friends  who call and ask about you everyday and they actually want to see you everyday. But, I do miss my independence, I miss my old life. Even though I love the girls who I met over here, I feel stuck. I still didn't find my people. The girls that I have met here are a bit more religious than I am and sometimes I just don't feel like I can be myself around them. I try to be myself but the way we think is different and I don't know what to do. I guess you can say my thoughts are a bit American. I just need one person who gets me just like my best friend in my old college did. I could talk to her about anything. I'm not saying that I'm this very free person who goes partying every weekend or go out drinking I just like to go out and have fun. Also, I wouldn't mind having guy friends and going out with a group of guys and girls. However, the girls here wouldn't like that and they would judge me for it. The problem here it's just like Saudi you can't do anything good or bad without people talking about you. Why can't I just find someone like me not too free and not too religious?! I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. It's a new place with new opportunities I hope...

Random 2

My heart aches for someone to understand what I’m feeling. It’s hard to open up to someone and say what I’m feeling. No one can really listen and understand without judging. I wish that I can find a stranger and pour my heart out but the problem is that I don’t think that I can even say what’s bothering me to a stranger. I’m always afraid of being judged. Always afraid of what would people think of me. Sometimes I say I don’t care what other people think why should i? But, who am I kidding I never stopped caring. I’m always too afraid I will disappoint not only everyone around me but to disappoint myself. I always here you did this wrong you did that wrong don’t you think I know what I did wrong? It hurts hearing that it really does. Knowing that you screwed so many times nobody even believes you? And why do you think I lie, for fun? No it’s to avoid further disappointments and embracement’s. You know how bad it feels to hear that you have no credibility. The problem is no one truly understands, not without judging, not without thinking why would you do that? I think I’ve been lying to myself too. I keep telling myself everything is ok, there is nothing you can’t fix, and it’s not too late. The problem is no one truly trusts me. So why should I give my trust to anyone? Who am I kidding I need to stop lying, face the truth and take charge of my life. I should just open a new page and fix up my life. I’m going to try to make this reality and not just words on the web.

A Lost Soul...

Poll

Should I start posting again or not? Please comment :)